Oh Me Nerves! » Stupid

I’ll Go With D, Regis. Final Answer.

Steve — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 11:55:43 +0000

It’s A Miracle!

Steve — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 13:39:57 +0000

Imagine my surprise! I sit down to my breakfast and get ready to dig in. There, burnt into my pancakes is a mirror image of myself staring directly up at me! Not Jesus… not the Virgin Mary… just good ol’ Steve.

It was awesome… I could hardly believe what I was seeing.

Oh, and boy am I delicious! Especially with maple syrup.

Lard Tunderin’!

Steve — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 02:34:08 +0000

Tonight we had quite a little thunderstorm here in the greater Moncton area.

Donna and I decided we were heading to Costco and the skies looked a little ominous. While we were in Costco the storm hit. You could hear the rain and hail pound on the metal roof of the building. As we headed toward the checkouts, Donna asked if I would go get the vehicle and bring it closer to the door. I headed toward the door and had to force my way past all the other customers who wouldn’t even step outside. “What are you all made of? Sugar? What’s a little rain?” Well, I stepped outside and got pummeled by rain drops the size of my fists. I ran to our vehicle only to discover I was not only at the wrong vehicle, I was past my ankles in water. When I finally got to our vehicle I was soaked completely to the skin. I was outside maybe 30 seconds.

When we got home we discovered quite an accumulation of pea-sized hailstones all over our deck. No damage, but pretty cool to see.

We spent the next couple of hours playing cards and listening to thunder.

Did She Mean To Say That?

Steve — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:04:38 +0000

We are rolling out a new phone system where I work. Tonight is the big cut over night and one of the vendors made a mistake that caused a level of service to be missing for a few hours. The employee sent us a message apologizing for the mistake.

“I do apologize for any incontinence this may cause your organization.”

Did she mean the opposite of “continuity“, as incontinuity? Or was she just trying to say she hopes she didn’t scare the shit out of us!

ZYX – Backing Talkwards

Steve — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 04:01:43 +0000

My buddies at SWT just finished up a month of posts starting with the letters of the alphabet, in sequential order. I thought it was a pretty neat idea and thought I might try it myself. It must have been quite a challenge, because as the month wore on, they found it ever more difficult to find subjects for their posts. The toughest letters are the ones at the end of the alphabet. I made the mistake of offering a “hey, you shoulda done this” comment and Phillip delegated the final letter to me. Here’s what I came up with… a silly zed-infested string of nonsensical sentences depicting a late night snack of someone stirred from their slumber.

The alphabet theme was such a good idea, I think I’ll try it. I won’t steal their idea directly though… I’ll start with Z and work my way backwards down to A. Stay tuned during the month of April (shit, if I started with A then April Fool’s Day could have been my first post!)

12 or 13…

Steve — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:40:38 +0000

… the name of my last post? (Go ahead, check it out.)
… the number of days since my last post? (About average lately, actually.)
… the number of posts in my backyard fence? (Just a guess.)
… the number of backyards I can see from my backyard? (Another guess.)
… the number of weeks since I started my diet? (… not many more pounds than that as well.)
… the age will guarantee you 5 to 10? (Where did that come from?)
… the total hours sleep I got last weekend? (Directly correlated to the number of hours I spent painting the kitchen.)
… the number of months that have at least 29 days in them? (Made you think twice on that one, right?)
… the seating capacity at the table for the Last Supper? (Always room for one more!)
… the times my wife has told me she likes that Cheerios “It says ‘Shut up, Steve’” commercial? (Seems like a lot more, actually.)
… the amount of snow, in inches, of our worst storm this winter season, so far? (Not too bad, but we had a lot of them.)
… the number of items you can expect when you order a dozen of something at a bakery? (Baker’s dozen? Get it?)
… the number of questions in this blog post? (Thought you’d never ask.)

Loser!

Steve — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 03:53:18 +0000

My wife and I went for a short drive today. As is customary for us, we went to Tim Horton’s for a coffee. We pulled into the drive thru behind several other cars and for a while it seemed like nobody was going to pull in behind us.

Me: I hate being last in the drive thru lane. It makes me feel like a loser. You know, it’s like everyone else has better things to do than waste their time in such a long line.

Just then another car pulled in behind us. I pointed at them and started chanting, “Loser! Loser!”. As another car pulled in behind the first car, I chanted again. “Loser!”

We continued inching along, gabbing away. Suddenly, I hear “Hi, can I take your order please?”. It sounded a little faint and was coming from behind us. I had passed the speaker!

Wifey: Loser!

I couldn’t argue with her.

A VERY Close Call

Steve — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:16:43 +0000

Tonight my wife and I went out for dinner, a coffee and a drive. On our way home I stopped at a red light, waiting to make a left turn. When it turned green, I waited for the traffic to pass, or so I thought, and proceeded to make the left turn. There were two cars coming, one in the closest lane and one in the farther lane which I thought was making a right turn.

As I pulled passed the near lane, I slowed down to let the dude in the far lane make his right turn… then my wife hollered “what are you doing?” That’s when I realized that the guy making the right turn was going straight and NOT slowing down! I immediately jumped on the gas and sped out of the way, narrowly escaping a T-Bone accident.

I’ve had plenty of close calls… but none of them rattle me more than the ones that would have been my own fault.

Whew!

A Dyslexic and an Obsessive Compulsive Walk into a Bar

Steve — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:34:06 +0000

Humour is a part of my daily life. I think I’d explode if I was forced to keep my smartass comments to myself. I think folks are ok with it and even enjoy it. Ok… maybe I just associate with extremely tolerant people. As such, I could probably fill this blog to the rafters with shit that happens on a daily basis, snippets of conversations, and biting sarcastic retorts. That is if I could actually remember them all later, or if I thought the humour would translate to the written word as effectively as the situation/timing/location did.

This may be the case here, but I think I’ll give it a shot. It’s a short one, so don’t blink. Names have been omitted and the conversation has been totally rewritten paraphrased for the sake of laziness enhancing the humour.

A couple of colleagues and I were having a non-business discussion. Part of the discussion got a little off topic and started to go off on random tangents. Another person tried to draw the discussion back, explaining that they have trouble focusing on a single point.

Then one person said, “That’s ok, I have ODC too.”

I started laughing uncontrollably, “I bet you are dyslexic as well, eh?”

She said, “How’d you know?”

XL Wardrobe Malfunction

Steve — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 23:51:45 +0000

The sponsors of this OhMeNerves.com are proud to bring to you the second annual Stupid Steve Shirt Day.

Sigh. A year ago, almost to the day actually, I had an unfortunate (and embarrassing) mishap with a new shirt. Well… It seems that I’ve decided to make this an annual event.

Yesterday morning, I proudly donned my brand new shirt that I had purchased on sale just a couple of weeks ago. Looking dapper in my new duds, I headed off to school… er, I mean, work ready to take on the day. I walked through the office to my desk, booted up my computer and sauntered down to the cafeteria for a nice hot cuppa java. Several smiles and “Good mornings” later, I managed my way through the crowds at the coffee urns and I was on my way with my steaming mug of perkiness. (Perkiness… get it? Sorry.) Wandering back down the hall, I approached one of my colleagues. As he walked toward me he said, “Steve, is there a sticker or something on your shirt?” As throngs of people sauntered by, rubbernecking toward me as if I had just overturned my car in the median, he walked behind me and carefully took his time removing a sticker boldly displaying “XL” – the size of my shirt.

Sonuvabitch!

How did he know about the sticker on the back of my shirt as he walked toward me from the front? How long ago had he seen it? Or worse, who told him? Was word getting around?

Sigh. Oh well, at least there were lots of witnesses.