I know I’m supposed to be offended by the term “Newfie” and disparaging jokes about Newfoundlanders. I know. But THIS joke made me laugh out loud.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body: An Italian , 60, died Of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile. Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

Thanks Ian!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories. Thank you to Cindy, who happens to be one of those people, but who also thought to send me this one too!

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

Thanks Connie.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside of us all.”

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins??”

The old Cherokee simply replied: “The one you feed.”

Thanks Paul.

The Doctor replied “Of course I won’t laugh, I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘whoo-ha’ the doctor had ever seen. It couldn’t have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

“I’m so sorry,” said the doctor. “I really am. I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

Thanks Deb!

You might be a redneck if…

Check out the pics below. It’s amazing what some people believe suffices for safe “engineering”. These folks probably ended up at the bottom of a ravine somewhere and/or the proud recipients of a Darwin Award.

He added some heavy-duty chain for extra support on the tailgate (note that he used the “Heavy-Duty ‘S’ hooks to attach the chain). He also paid-up for some BIG 5/16 sheetmetal screws to attach the frame to the tailgate. Yeah, he knows it’s overkill, but he didn’t want the possibility of having an accident.

Much of his time was spent on his front porch whittling down that 4×4 post to fit precisely into the ball mount receiver. Also note that he used a 14″ piece of 1×4 to help distribute the load more evenly! You can’t be too safe, you know. “It cost a little more but, y’know, my yung’uns is worth every penny.”

Thanks Ed.