Buttons.  We have them everywhere for almost everything.  Press a button and a doorbell rings.  Press another and your car starts. Press this button to make a phone call.  Press that button to activate your alarm.  Press these three at the same time to reset your computer.  Press another and nurses come running.  Press the one beside that for another shot of morphine.

We have these buttons to make our lives easier.  I have a remote control for my entertainment center that, with the press of a single button, turns on my TV, turns on my surround sound stereo system, turns on my cable TV tuner, sets the TV to the proper input, and sets the stereo system to the proper input, so I can watch Dr. Phil in high definition Dolby surround sound.  When I’m finished, another single button on that same remote control turns it all off again.

So… buttons are good, right?  I don’t know.

Just yesterday, with the accidental press of a single button, my bluetooth headset re-dialed the last number dialed on my cell phone and called my house.  Nobody was home, so my answering machine recorded five minutes of my day.  Then, with the press of another button, my wife listened to that slice of my day.  Potentially VERY dangerous.  What if, during that 300 second slice of time I was discussing something that, if taken out of context, could have been misunderstood or hurtful?  (Let’s just say I could NEVER say anything negative about my wife.  She is the love of my life and the picture of perfection.  Right, honey?)  Ok… back to my rant.  What if the last number I dialed was my boss and happened to be complaining about him or a past boss when the call accidentally dialed out?  What if, indeed.

I can honestly say I’ve never accidentally place a phone call back in the days of the rotary telephone.

In the past, my buttons, all of which have been designed for my convenience and safety, have unintentionally called home (several times), called others, started my car, opened the door of my car (the sliding door of our minivan and there were a stack of Christmas presents on the seat), popped my trunk, set off alarms, rang a doorbell at 3 am (another long, funny story that I will NEVER write about on this blog!), turned off a movie midway through, sent emails to the wrong people, sent emails before they were written, taken pictures and videos, muted or unmuted phones during conversation and conference calls, hung up the phone line during conversation and conference calls… the list goes on.  Heck, one unintentionally pressed button even ripped one of my fingernails off.

Man… buttons really press my buttons.  Have they ever pressed yours?

So, we are building a house… I know, I know… I didn’t tell any of y’all that yet, but nonetheless, the house is fairly well along.  So, some of our family asks for updates and occasionally we send them pictures of the progress.  One of the latest was the picture included right here in this post.

My wife was on the phone last evening talking with one such relative who will remain unnamed.  Suddenly my wife is unable to talk… she is trying not to laugh… This unnamed relative asked my wife, in a very serious tone, where we plan to put the driveway.

She posed the question to me and I said that we were considering the possibility of putting the driveway directly in front of the garage doors, but come to think of it, we probably should consult with the building contractor or a city planner or something.

I don’t know, though… what do you folks think?

Here’s his rant:

WE HAVE A WINNER!!

First, I’d be remiss if I didn’t start this off by saying congratulations on winning the Blogger’s Award. You could say that this was a people’s choice award, given the criteria to come out on top, so in part it’s congratulations to Me . . . and all the other readers who take some comfort coming back again and again to see what the latest posts are dealing with.

With reward comes responsibility. Keeping up with the Joneses doesn’t apply anymore because now it’s become “Keeping up with the Melees”. We, your loyal minions on the readership side, will be looking for cutting edge posts, satirical quips and an all round good time each and every chance we get to log on to the Award Winning Site. Critiques may come fast and furious if we feel let down from time to time and then there’s the fallout if, heaven forbid, writer’s block rears it’s ugly head. Readers can be so demanding, loyal readers even more so.

“Why it’s our blog now”,  some might say, “How dare he not have something up every time I turn on my computer. How can he get away with that, why, I won’t stand for it”.

And so it goes. Yeah, winning can be fun, but it’s not always about winning. Sometimes it’s about us.

Well… due to several circumstances, the site’s administrator was unable to tally the results right away, but when he finally did, guess who won in the Mixed Bag category?  Nope, not Townie Bastard.  Nope, wrong again, not The Owlery Chronicles. Sigh… give up?  It was Oh Me Nerves!  No… I’m not joking, and yes, it WAS a serious vote.  Incidentally, both of those other blogs are very well done, well written, and strong competition.  Based solely on objective criteria, I’m not sure I could have won.

So, since the winner was based on votes from the community, I’d like to thank both of you, my readers, for diligently and consistently voting over and over and over.  I don’t know yet what my award consists of.  Maybe I’ll be able to retire from my day job and dedicate all of my time to writing gibberish on this site.    I think I’ll get some sort of graphic I can post on this site for bragging rights and my blog link will be posted prominently on the NL Blogroll website or something.  Ether way, I’m excited and grateful!

There I was, carefully scooting across my driveway, fully aware of the possible dangers the absolute lack of friction below my feet was posing. Then, without warning, drumroll, or ominous soundtrack, my feet were suddenly at a higher altitude than my shoulders. It was as if I’d stepped into some sort of Gilligan’s Island booby trap, but instead of dangling by my feet from a palm tree surrounded by pygmies, I crashed head first into my driveway surrounded by the echoes of my own swearing. And I landed HARD.

I truly believe that when it comes to falling, it’s not true that the bigger you are the harder you fall. It’s the OLDER you are the harder you fall. You see, we get out of practice… We don’t know how to fall anymore… We forget how it feels and the combination of pain and embarrassment overwhelm our senses and we can’t decide which hurts more.

I laid in the driveway for a couple of seconds, not moving, trying to figure out if anyone saw or heard me. While relieved at the time, I’m almost disappointed that nobody saw it. I would like to get verification that it was as incredibly acrobatic to watch as it felt during that slow-motion half-second body slam I endured. I mean, it wasn’t one of those slip slop attempt to recover drunken ballerina looking type of falls. It was as if someone had a rope tied to my feet with the other end tied to a drag racing funny car when the light turned green. Whoosh!

Glad I got it right on the first take. That’s a wrap folks.

Location:It’s Almost Christmas!

So, what have I done.  Man!  This was quite a year.  You’d never say though, if you’ve been reading my blog as it hasn’t been my most prolific year for writing.  The problem with writing a personal blog is that a lot of the stuff that happens in one’s life is, well, personal.  Then there’s the other stuff that happens in your life that’s not exactly personal, like work.  But writing about stuff that happens at work is not exactly cool either.  So what does that leave?  Not much.  So that’s exactly what you’ve seen from me this year.

But that doesn’t mean my life is boring.  By no means…

I’ve driven the country roads of Austria and into the heart of Vienna.  I attended a course in Vegas and brought da wife down with me so we could contribute a few thousand dollars to the struggling economy down there.  (Does that count as a charitable contribution for tax purposes?)  We took a helicopter into the Grand Canyon and took a boat ride down the Colorado River.  I took first place (high average) in my pool league back in June.  We’ve been to Newfoundland to help my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and then back again a couple of weeks later to send our son off to university.  We had family visit, both planned and surprise.  I spent time in Rhode Island and made surprise visits of my own.  I put a couple of thousand kilometers on our ATV, many of those travelling at about 5 kms per hour through the beautiful valleys in southern New Brunswick.  We decided to move out of the house we’ve been living in for 11 years and build the house we’ve always wanted.  (More about that last thing when we are closer to moving in…)

I have a beautiful wife who keeps things interesting, inflates and controls my ego, and generally makes life worth living.  I have a son to be proud of… he is steadfast on his education, becoming a confident young man, is liked and loved by practically everyone who knows him, and generally makes my life worth living.  They both drive me nuts, but I truly believe sanity is over-rated.    My network of family and friends are wonderful, diverse, and all folks that I truly enjoy spending time with and around.  Life is good.

So… in a few days, we’ll celebrate our last Christmas in our current home.  We did our usual decorating routine with me pretending not to like the process and my wife and son teasing me for being a grinch.  We’ll enjoy the company of family and friends.  We’ll enjoy the time we spend with just ourselves.  We’ll reminisce of our times in our current home while we dream about the next Christmas in our new home next year.

Nothing to write about?  Heck no.  I just realized that I just don’t have the time to write!  I’ll try to do more of it though for the two or three of you who, for some reason, are interested in my ramblings here on OhMeNerves.com.

In case I don’t say it before the 25th, Merry Christmas to y’all, and a Happy New Year!

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week, and that I’ll do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”