Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

Apr 06 2010

“Did those curtains always look that way?” she said.

“Yes”, I said, “They are pinned in place, there’s no way they’ve moved.”

“I don’t think so”, she insisted, “I don’t remember them looking like that.”

You see, she had taken down the sheers behind the drapes to wash them.  The weather has turned the corner from Winter to Spring and it was sunny, warm day ripe for Spring cleaning.  Now that the sheers had been cleaned and re-hung, my darling wife believed that somehow the drapes had shifted out of position and the rolled pleats were now just a droopy ream of cloth.  So, to appease her curiosity, I got up from my chair and walked over to show her that there was no way that the curtains moved.  I tugged on one side… no movement.  All appeared to be well.  I walked across the room and stepped behind my comfy chair and tugged on the drapes from that angle.  No movement.

As I tried to maneuver back from behind the chair playfully gloated, “See?  I told you s…..”

I never finished my sentence.  My right foot hooked into the cable of my laptop that was on the floor beside the chair.  Instinctively, I tried to catch myself, lurching my left foot forward.  Well, my left foot hooked the underside of my ottoman (that’s “humpty” to my Newfoundland compatriots) and tipped it over, effectively tripping me again.  With both of my feet coming to a full stop while the rest of my 230 pound torso obeyed Newton’s laws of momentum, I started tumbling into the rest of the living room furniture.  In slow motion, I tried to stop myself by reaching out to the arm of the chair.  Missed.  Then my last hope, the arm of the couch.  Another narrow miss followed by a solid THUD as my right bicep came up solid against one of the coffee tables.  By solid, I mean solid wood furniture held to the hardwood floor by rubber grips intended to keep the table securely in place.  The table skidded forward and the lamp went crashing to the floor.

The next sound I heard was my own voice,  “F#$%, F@*&!”, followed melodically by my wife’s voice, weakly snorting back laughter, “Are you alright?”

The picture shows the most colourful bruise I’ve ever had since my brother sent a wrist shot hockey ball directly into my right eye socket 25 years ago.  If my camera could photograph my ego, I’m sure the colours would be much more dramatic.

Did the curtains move?  No.  Did I tear them down while I was falling?  No again.  Are they still hanging on the windows?  Miraculously, yes.


Posted by Steve at 4:22 pm, Apr 6, 2010


Leave a Reply


  1. Donna

    April 6, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    Steve, it was the movements that caused me to have that laughter that I tried to hide from you. It was like a motion picture in slow movement…well kinda, slow movement. I am sorry, but it was like hilarious.

    I can imagine how it hurt, but it was funny.

    Love you…

  2. Garrett

    April 6, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    I actually teared up while reading this I was laughing so hard!

  3. Melissa

    April 6, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Diddo what Garrett said!!!! I’m sorry you got hurt…I really am…but I can’t stop laughing! LOL

  4. Garrett

    April 6, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    The bruise kinda reminds me of like a star exploding, or a galaxy. when you google it, just match the right colors, almost same thing.

  5. Steve

    April 7, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Maybe Garrett’s right about the galaxy thing. I did see stars and I cursed the high heavens.

  6. Rosie

    April 8, 2010 at 9:03 am

    It’s been a couple days since the fall… I bet that is very colorful now…. Hope you are doing okay….

  7. Steve

    April 8, 2010 at 9:51 am

    I’m ok… the colours are starting to change and it’s not quite as tender as it was. I’ll survive! icon_wink

  8. Nadine

    April 9, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Oh man, that so sounds like something I would do. Hope you are all healed up soon.

  9. Shelly

    April 28, 2010 at 1:53 pm




    Glad you and the curtains survived….

  10. Donna Melee

    November 17, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    Omg I just going thru your blog and came upon this. Again while reading it I had tears in my eyes, not crying tho, just from laughing. Sorry. This was hilarious.