You know how it is. Someone says something and you just can’t seem to keep your mouth shut. You KNOW you’re gonna step in it, and then put the foot right in your mouth. But, you say it anyway.
Sometimes it’s trouble. Sometimes it’s self-deprecating. Sometimes it’s just plain fun.
During a meeting with our life insurance agent:
Wifey: (mumble)
Me: What was that?
Wifey: Nothing.
Me (to life insurance agent): She won’t say anything that even slightly resembles a commitment. For some reason, she’s been like that since our wedding day.
At home, talking with some friends:
Wifey: We used to have this neighbour, who I’m sure had a crush on Steve. Whenever I was around, she wouldn’t talk to me, but if Steve was alone outside… BOOOM! … she was there chatting away.
Me: You had nothing to worry about. If she was looking for a man, then she wasn’t going to have any luck finding one here (my two thumbs pointing at my chest). Er… I mean… uhm…
At work, talking with senior co-worker:
Co-worker: Oh shit. Look at the time. I really have to fuck off.
Me: What a coincidence. I’ve been meaning to tell you to do that.
Co-worker: (pause)Well, go ahead. I won’t be giving you many opportunities like this! (He took it with good humour, thankfully)
Many years ago, at my brother’s wedding, in the men’s room. I was stood facing a urinal and my brother’s boss came in and stood at the urinal next to me. (I was 15 years old):
My brother’s boss: So. You’re Bill’s brother.
Me: Yup.
My brother’s boss: You look a lot like him.
Me: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
My brother’s boss: It’s a good thing. Your brother’s a good looking guy.
Me: Sorry sir, but it scares me when a man holding his privates tells me I’m good looking.
My brother’s boss: (Awkward silence.)
So. Y’all got any good ones? Any real zingers you put out there? (Keep it nice… don’t hurt anyone’s feelings…)
Jody
January 17, 2008 at 8:05 am
I only come up with witty, smart-ass responses 24 hours the even occurred, usually while trying to go to sleep, when it’s completely forgotten the next morning.
Jody
January 17, 2008 at 8:05 am
> the even occurred
event
(Anxiously waiting for smart-ass comment about this…
Steve
January 17, 2008 at 10:17 am
You’re mother wears army boots.
How’s that?
ChrisO
January 17, 2008 at 11:03 am
Playing soccer at ABU (the baptist university) this fall, they always have a contingent of female fans, some of whom are rather…large.
After we gave their team a thorough drubbing in which i scored a couple goals, i’m walking back to the car having my post game smoke. as i go past the bench full of these women, one of the fatties says to me:
“you know smoking is bad for you, especially if you’re an athlete”
“haha, well yeah you would think so, but i did just score 2 goals, so i guess i’m alright”
“no, i KNOW SO!”
“oh? well you know what else is bad for you? fast food!”
after the shocked look came across her face, i continued on to my car.
p.s. your Preview Comment feature is broken, in firefox at least.
Deborah
January 17, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I really do have to stop reading your blogs at work…I don’t do it often, but I did today, and I couldn’t stop laughing…I know my coworkers got to be jealous of my job when they hear me laughing as I did when I read this blog of yours…of course they didn’t know what I was reading.
Steve
January 17, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Chris!
Sounds like she asked for it, though. BTW, the preview works for me, and I use Firefox too. Perhaps quitting smoking would help! 
Deb: So… give us YOUR smartass remarks. We know you have them!
Deborah
January 17, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Steve: I’m not as good with smartass comments as Donna is…sorry. Although, as I am writing this, I really can’t help but laugh at the hilarious things you and Donna says. Even though you may not think you are a man, that neighbour knew you were…you’re too hard on yourself…lol
Nadine
January 22, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Me? Smart ass? Never!
Steve
January 22, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Anyone who’s read your blog, Nadine, will be assured of that!
Melissa
February 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Oooooh! I got one!!!!!! And, it just happened last Saturday at yet ANOTHER get-together on my street! This one is wicked!
So, I am standing in a neighbours kitchen surrounded by most of the women on the street who all have kids, and are over 40 years old…and I start a conversation with them all….here I go:
Me: My friend had a baby today!
Women (40+): How old is she? Is she married?
Me: She’s 28, and this is her second kid. Yeah, she’s married.
Women (40+): Oooohhh, nice! Boy or girl? How much did it weight? (Yada yada yada)
Me: She’s a girl, and she weighed 7lbs….BUT, you know what I noticed when I saw my friend breastfeed?!?!
Women (40+): What?
Me: How saggy boobs get after you have kids! I am NEVER having kids!!!!!
Women (40+): (SILENCE)
Well, I guess I hit a soft spot. OOPS. “Mouth, meet foot!”
I clearly wasn’t thinking when I said that to a bunch of women who have kids….
Steve
February 5, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Smartass is when you intend to say something stinging.
Dumbass is when you say something stinging without the intention.
Which were you?
Melissa
February 5, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Oh….dumbass, I guess! Hahahahahaa! But, did you like my dumbass moment?
Steve
February 5, 2008 at 8:02 pm
But, of course!!