I find everyday conversation fun. Being an ass really has it’s advantages sometimes. The simplest conversations can lead to limitless entertainment. Too many opportunities to be a smartass, and not enough memory in my brain to remember them all much less enough time to organize my thoughts and share them with y’all. But, here’s a couple from today:

So, there we were, sitting in the kitchen, the three of us (me, wifey, and sonny) having an after-breakfast banter. Sonny says something that triggers a synapse in my brain and I quickly look at wifey. She has immediately recognized this look and realizes that I am thinking about a zinger which would sting her pretty good. It’s an inside joke that even sonny is not in on, so I can’t give the details here. However, she points, or rather wags, her finger at me in a menacing way.

“One word, and it’s a divorce for you! ONE word!” she says.

There was a pause of silence while I weighed the options. “Really?”

I gave her one word, but I guess it was the wrong one.

Later in the day, sonny and I were out for groceries. Wifey wrote up a list and sent us on our way. Usually, we don’t get too far and my cell phone rings. But this time, we made it all the way to the grocery store aisles before my hip vibrated. “Hello?” I says. The first words out of her mouth were, “I don’t think I really need you now…. nope, I don’t. We already have sour cream, I just found it…. ok then, see ya.” I says, “Hold on there one minute. I think at some time down the road, I’m gonna call you. When you answer, the first words I say will be ‘I don’t think I really need you now.‘ and when I do, let’s see how you like it!”

You too can be a smartass and enjoy the fun of everyday seriousness. Make your first thought focus on a distracting comment, leaning toward silliness. If you don’t think you are quick-witted enough, I’ll help you get started with a simple, fool-proof approach. “I had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) like that once.” Memorize that phrase. Keep it on the tip of your tongue. Quickly assess every statement in any given conversation for opportunities to slip the phrase in and reap the benefits and rewards of folks thinking you are a cleverly witted person. Trust me, it works. Then when the laughter subsides, occasionally add in: “I married her.” Guffaws will ensue.

So next time you are talking with someone who tells you that their computer keeps going down on them, or they are having trouble getting their engine to turn over on cold mornings, remember my advice. You’ll be everybody’s best friend. (You guessed it… I had a girlfriend like that once!)