I find everyday conversation fun. Being an ass really has it’s advantages sometimes. The simplest conversations can lead to limitless entertainment. Too many opportunities to be a smartass, and not enough memory in my brain to remember them all much less enough time to organize my thoughts and share them with y’all. But, here’s a couple from today:

So, there we were, sitting in the kitchen, the three of us (me, wifey, and sonny) having an after-breakfast banter. Sonny says something that triggers a synapse in my brain and I quickly look at wifey. She has immediately recognized this look and realizes that I am thinking about a zinger which would sting her pretty good. It’s an inside joke that even sonny is not in on, so I can’t give the details here. However, she points, or rather wags, her finger at me in a menacing way.

“One word, and it’s a divorce for you! ONE word!” she says.

There was a pause of silence while I weighed the options. “Really?”

I gave her one word, but I guess it was the wrong one.

Later in the day, sonny and I were out for groceries. Wifey wrote up a list and sent us on our way. Usually, we don’t get too far and my cell phone rings. But this time, we made it all the way to the grocery store aisles before my hip vibrated. “Hello?” I says. The first words out of her mouth were, “I don’t think I really need you now…. nope, I don’t. We already have sour cream, I just found it…. ok then, see ya.” I says, “Hold on there one minute. I think at some time down the road, I’m gonna call you. When you answer, the first words I say will be ‘I don’t think I really need you now.‘ and when I do, let’s see how you like it!”

You too can be a smartass and enjoy the fun of everyday seriousness. Make your first thought focus on a distracting comment, leaning toward silliness. If you don’t think you are quick-witted enough, I’ll help you get started with a simple, fool-proof approach. “I had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) like that once.” Memorize that phrase. Keep it on the tip of your tongue. Quickly assess every statement in any given conversation for opportunities to slip the phrase in and reap the benefits and rewards of folks thinking you are a cleverly witted person. Trust me, it works. Then when the laughter subsides, occasionally add in: “I married her.” Guffaws will ensue.

So next time you are talking with someone who tells you that their computer keeps going down on them, or they are having trouble getting their engine to turn over on cold mornings, remember my advice. You’ll be everybody’s best friend. (You guessed it… I had a girlfriend like that once!)

Fer Me Wife …

I writes ta say I loves ya b’ye!
Cause I don’t say it very much…
Everytime I tries ta cuddle ya
Ya says GET A WAY, DON’T TOUCH!

I tried ta be more gentle
Took me rubbers off outside…
When I tells ya where I was last night
Ya always tinks I lied!

Ya knows I loves me fishin’
Ya knows I loves me boat…
But you’re da life preserver
I needs to stay afloat!

So I got ya sometin’ really nice
How much, please don’t ask…
But you’ll find it a lot easier now
When ya goes ta cut da grass!

Just pull da cord, and stand behind
Steer her as you go…
Next Valentines I’ll get ya sometin’
Dat helps ya shovel snow!

So keep up da cookin’ and cleanin’
You’re de only one I got…
To keep me duds all washed and clean
And me coffee always hot!

You knows dat I appreciates
Your home made buns & bread…
And I hope dat it continues on
Till one of us is dead!

I loves ya b’ye!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, is taht it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

I got this in my inbox today. I’d seen it before, but enjoyed it as much the second time around so I figured it was worthy of my readers’ lofty standards!

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XOXOXO

PS: You left your cell phone in the truck. I hope you don’t mind that I answered it. It was your girlfriend.

Thanks Cindy!