You know how it is. Someone says something and you just can’t seem to keep your mouth shut. You KNOW you’re gonna step in it, and then put the foot right in your mouth. But, you say it anyway.
Sometimes it’s trouble. Sometimes it’s self-deprecating. Sometimes it’s just plain fun.
During a meeting with our life insurance agent:
Wifey: (mumble)
Me: What was that?
Wifey: Nothing.
Me (to life insurance agent): She won’t say anything that even slightly resembles a commitment. For some reason, she’s been like that since our wedding day.
At home, talking with some friends:
Wifey: We used to have this neighbour, who I’m sure had a crush on Steve. Whenever I was around, she wouldn’t talk to me, but if Steve was alone outside… BOOOM! … she was there chatting away.
Me: You had nothing to worry about. If she was looking for a man, then she wasn’t going to have any luck finding one here (my two thumbs pointing at my chest). Er… I mean… uhm…
At work, talking with senior co-worker:
Co-worker: Oh shit. Look at the time. I really have to fuck off.
Me: What a coincidence. I’ve been meaning to tell you to do that.
Co-worker: (pause)Well, go ahead. I won’t be giving you many opportunities like this! (He took it with good humour, thankfully)
Many years ago, at my brother’s wedding, in the men’s room. I was stood facing a urinal and my brother’s boss came in and stood at the urinal next to me. (I was 15 years old):
My brother’s boss: So. You’re Bill’s brother.
Me: Yup.
My brother’s boss: You look a lot like him.
Me: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
My brother’s boss: It’s a good thing. Your brother’s a good looking guy.
Me: Sorry sir, but it scares me when a man holding his privates tells me I’m good looking.
My brother’s boss: (Awkward silence.)
So. Y’all got any good ones? Any real zingers you put out there? (Keep it nice… don’t hurt anyone’s feelings…)
