Sometimes when things piss you off, you just gotta put them “on notice”. Tell it like it is. Let the world know that we’re not gonna take it. No! We ain’t gonna take it. We’re not gonna take it anymore! When Stephen Colbert is pissed off at something, he puts it On Notice! I figured I would give it a shot for myself.

So, blogger’s block… you are officially being put On Notice! I refuse to continue to acknowledge your existence and, furthermore, I refuse to continue to feed your power-hungry, self-indulgent, nerve-wracking, paralyzing growth. I will blog about nothing. I won’t wait until I have something meaningful to write. I will bore you to death if I have to.

Spell check. You’re On Notice. You find my errors alright. But you don’t find them if they are spelled correctly, now do you? You make me lazy. You make me gain weight. You don’t seem to care that you cause me to say the exact opposite of what I mean when I type irreverent instead of irrelevant.

Moncton Drivers. I’ve posted about you before, you crazy sons of bitches! Just this morning, the guy behind me on the highway on-ramp passed me and cut me off before I got the chance to even look over my shoulder to merge! And believe me folks, I’m not Mr. Magoo… I drive a little aggressively myself. But his bugger was just stupid. Because of him, Moncton, your drivers are On Notice!

Sleep apnea… you keep my wife awake. And if Momma ain’t happy…. ain’t NOBODY happy! Believe me. I don’t think I snore, but she keeps telling me that I do. And for some reason, I can sleep through it fine, but she has some difficulty.

Sleeping pills are a pain in the ass. They help my wife sleep through my snoring, but they tend to make her chatty (can you imagine, my wife… “chatty”?). They also cause temporary amnesia. So, she talks to me about stuff that she’s already talked to me about. The funny part is that she talks to me about these things late at night, when I’m trying to sleep! I don’t know if she sleeps through my snoring, or if she sleeps through her talking to me which keeps me awake and prevents me from snoring… all I know is I have bags under my eyes and most of the enamel worn off my teeth. It’s 12:30 a.m. as I write this, but I can assure you when I go to bed she’ll ask me what I want for supper tomorrow night, or how much does the toll cost on the Port aux Basques ferry. I’ll answer, but she won’t remember the answer nor will she remember asking me the question. Damn you, sleeping pills!

Tim Horton’s Coffee. While you help me stay awake all day due to lack of sleep, you have me hooked. And your drive-thru lines force me into the streets and expose me to even more of Moncton’s crazy drivers jockeying for position in line or rushing to cut someone off in the merge lane. Tim Horton’s coffee. You evil, vile, addictive, tasty, satisfying, soothing, calming….. controlling, mind bending substance! You are on double-double notice!

Humidex factor. Sure. Try so hard to be as uncomfortable as your cousin, “Wind Chill”. You think you can keep me awake all night and then force me to drink cold drinks, do you? Well, my friends at Tim Horton’s have made sure I can’t resist their hot beverages, and my wife’s sleeping pills are already keeping me awake all night… so there! Take that! Not so powerful now, are we? Hot and sticky my ass! Sounds more like a cinnamon roll than a measure of heat discomfort to me. And I EAT cinnamon rolls for breakfast!

And finally, it’s too freakin’ hot and muggy for me to start bitching about people bitching about the weather. If this were a dry heat, I might have the energy. But the only thing more energy zapping to me than hot, muggy, sweltering summer weather is the damn, bone-chilling Canadian winter. So, when the weather is a little more moderate, I’ll be more comfortable and will have the energy to complain about those whiny folks who complain about the heat all summer and the cold all winter. Man! The nerve of some people.

You are On Notice! ALL of you!