If you take the time to read this list, take the extra second or two that it would take to let it truly sink in. There are some valuable nuggets of inspiration here with droppings of reality plugged in.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements both involve great risk. Gee, Great.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. Just lose your temper.
3. Follow the three R's. Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for your actions. They're GRRReat!
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. … but if you got what you wanted, you wouldn't need the stroke.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. Doesn't apply to this list.
6. Don't let a little dispute ruin a great relationship. Make sure to let it escalate into a real doozy first.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. Or hide it or blame it on someone else, whichever is easiest.
8. Spend some time alone every day. Especially if you don't get what you want (see item number 4).
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Especially if your name is John Wayne Bobbit.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Especially if your wife asked the question.
11. Live a good, honourable life. When you get old you can look back on it an enjoy it a second time. Unless you get hit by a bus.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. What if the dispute is about how the other person always brings up the past? I'm confused.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. Or get bitten by a vampire.
15. Be gentle with the earth. Especially if you are bitten by a vampire and are immortal. It would suck to live in a world that you ruined.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been. I suggest Transylvania if you want to achieve number 14.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for one another exceeds your need for one another. Like toys and money. My love for them exceeds my need for them.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. Or who and how many you had to walk over to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. Approach meals prepared under this premise with guarded caution.

You're welcome.