Archive for December, 2007
Have A Politically Correct Winter Solstace Holiday
Dec
19
2007
To those politically aware:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada the great open minded society that it has become, not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater or more open minded than any other country nor the only progressive country in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.
To My real Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
IMPORTANT: This post is intended for the use of the intended audience of Oh Me Nerves and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this post is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the authoring of this post. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have stumbled upon this post in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
Thank you Shelly!
You Love Me, Right?
Dec
06
2007
When a loved one starts a conversation with the words “You love me, right?” you know you have to prepare yourself for the worst.
That’s how my son started a phone conversation with me this evening. He had gotten his driver’s license a week ago and now he is terrorizing the sidewalks of Moncton. It snowed big time here a couple of days ago and you can imagine the stream of possible revelations heading my way when I heard those words on the other end of the phone.
“You love me, right?”
Yes, of course I do. Now please tell me what happened. Crunched fenders… insurance rates… expensive repairs… speeding tickets… broken glass… global warming… For GOD’S sake, PLEASE tell me what happened!
“Well, I, uhm… me and Brendan, like, uhm, we were going to Shopper’s to get some cold medicine, for Mom, and uhm, like, on our way, we, like, you know, dropped in for Devon, and well… we were driving back, and like, uhm, we were being really careful, but like we were on Mountain Road, right? and you know, we were just driving along and…”
Please just tell me what happened. Before I melt into a puddle and short circuit my cell phone. Please.
“Ok, well, uhm, anyways, we were driving along and, like, there was a piece of ice in the road, right?, and there was no way to drive around it, and like, I uhm, didn’t want to slam on the brakes for a chunk of ice, and I, uhm, didn’t really KNOW it was a chunk of ice, it like, you know, looked like snow, but anyways, we hit it and like it made a bad noise and we like kept driving around but the brake pedal started to like, you know, feel funny, and well, then a light came on, but it, uhm, you know, it wasn’t like, flashing or anything and so then we like drove around some more, until like, the car wouldn’t stop when we pressed the pedal, so we like pulled over and…”
Did you hit anything? Are you ok? Where’s the car?
“No, yes, in the driveway.”
Good. I’ll be home soon… we can talk about it some more then.
Oh me nerves.
