Sometimes when things piss you off, you just gotta put them “on notice”. Tell it like it is. Let the world know that we’re not gonna take it. No! We ain’t gonna take it. We’re not gonna take it anymore! When Stephen Colbert is pissed off at something, he puts it On Notice! I figured I would give it a shot for myself.

So, blogger’s block… you are officially being put On Notice! I refuse to continue to acknowledge your existence and, furthermore, I refuse to continue to feed your power-hungry, self-indulgent, nerve-wracking, paralyzing growth. I will blog about nothing. I won’t wait until I have something meaningful to write. I will bore you to death if I have to.

Spell check. You’re On Notice. You find my errors alright. But you don’t find them if they are spelled correctly, now do you? You make me lazy. You make me gain weight. You don’t seem to care that you cause me to say the exact opposite of what I mean when I type irreverent instead of irrelevant.

Moncton Drivers. I’ve posted about you before, you crazy sons of bitches! Just this morning, the guy behind me on the highway on-ramp passed me and cut me off before I got the chance to even look over my shoulder to merge! And believe me folks, I’m not Mr. Magoo… I drive a little aggressively myself. But his bugger was just stupid. Because of him, Moncton, your drivers are On Notice!

Sleep apnea… you keep my wife awake. And if Momma ain’t happy…. ain’t NOBODY happy! Believe me. I don’t think I snore, but she keeps telling me that I do. And for some reason, I can sleep through it fine, but she has some difficulty.

Sleeping pills are a pain in the ass. They help my wife sleep through my snoring, but they tend to make her chatty (can you imagine, my wife… “chatty”?). They also cause temporary amnesia. So, she talks to me about stuff that she’s already talked to me about. The funny part is that she talks to me about these things late at night, when I’m trying to sleep! I don’t know if she sleeps through my snoring, or if she sleeps through her talking to me which keeps me awake and prevents me from snoring… all I know is I have bags under my eyes and most of the enamel worn off my teeth. It’s 12:30 a.m. as I write this, but I can assure you when I go to bed she’ll ask me what I want for supper tomorrow night, or how much does the toll cost on the Port aux Basques ferry. I’ll answer, but she won’t remember the answer nor will she remember asking me the question. Damn you, sleeping pills!

Tim Horton’s Coffee. While you help me stay awake all day due to lack of sleep, you have me hooked. And your drive-thru lines force me into the streets and expose me to even more of Moncton’s crazy drivers jockeying for position in line or rushing to cut someone off in the merge lane. Tim Horton’s coffee. You evil, vile, addictive, tasty, satisfying, soothing, calming….. controlling, mind bending substance! You are on double-double notice!

Humidex factor. Sure. Try so hard to be as uncomfortable as your cousin, “Wind Chill”. You think you can keep me awake all night and then force me to drink cold drinks, do you? Well, my friends at Tim Horton’s have made sure I can’t resist their hot beverages, and my wife’s sleeping pills are already keeping me awake all night… so there! Take that! Not so powerful now, are we? Hot and sticky my ass! Sounds more like a cinnamon roll than a measure of heat discomfort to me. And I EAT cinnamon rolls for breakfast!

And finally, it’s too freakin’ hot and muggy for me to start bitching about people bitching about the weather. If this were a dry heat, I might have the energy. But the only thing more energy zapping to me than hot, muggy, sweltering summer weather is the damn, bone-chilling Canadian winter. So, when the weather is a little more moderate, I’ll be more comfortable and will have the energy to complain about those whiny folks who complain about the heat all summer and the cold all winter. Man! The nerve of some people.

You are On Notice! ALL of you!

Yes, snowclone. While Merriam-Webster Online does not have a definition for the term, Wikipedia defines it as a type of formula-based cliche which uses an old idiom in a new context.

Still confused? Basically, take a well-known phrase and substitute one or more key elements of that phrase with other words. If people can still recognize the original context, or at least realize that the phrase can be used with interchangeable pieces, then you have a snowclone.

Examples:

• Got x?: Derived from the hugely successful Got Milk? commercials started by the California Milk Processor Board.
• x called, they want their y back. : The village called, they want their idiot back. 1985 called, they want their mullett back.
• I’m not a x, but I play one on TV. : I’m not a programmer, but I play one on TV.
• You can take the x out of y, but not the y out of x. : You can take the man out of Newfoundland, but not the Newfoundland out of the man!
• x 1, y 0 : Underdog 1, Big Corporation 0.
• x million y can’t be wrong. : 50 million Frenchmen can’t be wrong.
• And one of my favourites: Is that an x in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

So, you see snowclones are more fun than a barrel of monkeys. In fact, snowclones are the best thing since sliced bread. If I had a dime for every snowclone I’ve used in my lifetime, I’d be a millionaire. I should be writing about snowclones for fun and profit. I mean, a snowclone is a terrible thing to waste.

Keep reading, because I have here everything you ever wanted to know about snowclones, but were afraid to ask. Happiness is a well-written snowclone. In fact, we’ve secretly replaced our metaphors with snowclones, let’s see if anyone notices. What we’ve created here, is a kinder, gentler snowclone.

Holy snowclone Batman! It’s 11 o’clock, do you know where your snowclones are? If you don’t enjoy your snowclones, the terrorists have won.

Driving you nuts yet? Sorry about that. I’ll stop.

The snowclones have left the building.

Blogging for FrUstratioN. That’s what I do. Mustering up the creative juices to find something to write about is a challenge.

You see, according to Jody at SWT, I’ve taken this website and made it my own. He says it has “personality”. Trying to live up to that is a lot of freakin’ pressure. It’s tough to perform when your fans tune in expecting “personality”, whatever the jeepers that is. I think it means I’m interesting but not attractive, like Joe Pesci. It might mean that I have content that relates to my life, not just stuff I’ve found on the internet that is unique or weird. I’ve put these types of posts up before, but I don’t find them very satisfying, creatively speaking. I mean, toilet bowl fishtanks and flashlight slippers are creative ideas, but blogging about them feels like buying a lasagna and passing it off as homemade.

Sometimes I think I can get a post springboarded from a clever phrase, a play on words, or interesting quote. Shoot low boys, they’re riding Shetland Ponies. The blond leading the blond. The price of freedom of speech is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish. Any of these could kick off an interesting rant, but could also serve as proof that Robert Jackson was right about the freedom of speech rubbish thingy. I mean, how do you get your post to be as interesting as the clever tagline that inspired it?

I often find inspiration in desperation. Posts about negative events in my life wind up being my most popular ones. These posts seem to entertain the most, but require pre-payment of cash or gray hairs. My sanity and wallet can only afford so much of this type of inspiration.

Then there’s always writing about nothing, or writing about how hard it is to find something to write about. Such is the topic of this post. Good ol’ faithful complaints about writer’s block are always superb fillers for creative imagination. Thank GOD for the ability to bitch about not being able to find a topic to write about!

But, enough about me and my problems. Let’s talk about you. You guys out there reading this are not totally without responsibility in this little venture so aptly named “Oh Me Nerves!” You guys have a job to do too. You have the job of motivating the author. “How do I do that?”, you ask. Leave comments on my posts. Tell me what you think… leave a smartass remark… just say “hi”. Alternatively, cash is a suitable replacement for comments if you are too shy to type a couple of words.

So, here’s your homework, my faithful readers. If you have read this post, leave a comment. Consider it an Oh Me Nerves roll call. Include four things:

1. Your name (first name is fine) and location.
2. Roughly how often you check in to this blog (daily, weekly, every now and then, you just fluked upon this post today, etc)
3. A complimentary comment regarding the content of this blog, its format, or the rugged good looks of its charming author (see pic included here for inspiration).
4. (Optional) A topic for discussion on one of my future posts.

Some things deserve special mention.

I told y’all before that I wasn’t going to make special mention of specific occasions in the lives of my friends and family. I promised I wouldn’t clutter my blog with post after post of well wished for birthdays, anniversaries and the like. I said I would consolidate those all into one monthly post. However, for this date, I have decide to call an execute exemption to that rule.

Today is August 3rd. This would have been Uncle Pat’s birthday. He passed away from Huntington’s disease a couple of years ago. I don’t know how old he would have been, but it’s somewhere in his mid sixties. He was around my father’s age. His son, my cousin Bill Rose, who is my age, also has the disease. He is in an advanced stage and at 40 years of age, he is already living in a special care facility. The disease has exhibited unusual cruelty and grasped his life, choking it far earlier than it usually does.

This post is not intended to wish my late uncle a happy birthday. It is intended as a tribute to my mother’s siblings who have passed away, my cousin Bill who is suffering from this disease today, and any of my other cousins who may not yet know they have the disease.

Several years ago, when Bill first started experiencing his symptoms, he expressed himself quite creatively through verse. For him, and in tribute to my fallen family members, here are his words:

August. This month brings hot weather, leisurely vacation, and special occasions. Not as many as last month, but certainly not less important!

Here they are:

	August 3rd: Uncle Pat’s birthday. He passed away a couple of years ago from Huntington’s Disease. We miss you Uncle Pappy! He is pictured here many moons ago with his two sons, Billy and Jamie. Aunt Jean is missing from the photo… someone had to use the camera I guess!
	August 3rd: My sister-in-law Sharon Melee. This picture is about 23 or 24 years old… Sharon is holding Renee, my parents’ first grandchild. Happy Birthday Sharon… be well.
	August 11th, Katie Greene and August 23rd Madison Stanley. Hope your days are super girls!
	August 11th: My parents’ upteenth anniversary. Is it 45 years? Yes, i think so… Happy Anniversay Mom and Dad! We love you.